I will never forget that uneasy feeling I had when the governor mandated a shut down.

As a business owner, an extrovert, and a health practitioner who cared for vulnerable populations, I felt a sense of doom. I wondered how my patients would respond to this situation. This was very challenging times for patients that live with substance use disorders who rely on connecting to others for survival and recovery.

The first day of the shutdown I felt like a trapped animal. Overnight, life as I knew it was now completely different. I searched for some kind of normalcy. I got in my car that first day and went for a drive. I didn’t see many people on the road. Parking lots were empty. My neighborhood had an eery abandoned feeling.

My normal daily routine included driving to my favorite Starbucks every morning for an almond milk latte. As I was driving I was on autopilot and found myself sitting in the parking lot of Starbucks. I saw a few cars in the parking lot and decided to walk to the front door to see if anyone was in the store. There was a sign on the door that said the drive through was opened! I was elated. I drove through and ordered my drink and chatted with the barista only to find out Starbucks was staying opened. The state mandate allowed essential businesses to remain opened. Starbucks considered themselves an essential business. I absolutely agreed! It was essential to me to have some sort of normalcy in my life!

Driving to Starbucks every morning for my morning coffee, chatting with the baristas for a few minutes and thanking them for showing up everyday left me feeling hopeful. While continuing to see patients, in person, to provide some with lifesaving medications, I needed to feel hopeful.

During that time period I lost patients to overdoses. It took a toll on me. I was unsure of how my patients would survive transitioning to meetings on Zoom, less connection and less accountability. I also feared for my family and friends and hoped a vaccine would be available soon. I went above and beyond to help patients who needed care and was very creative at times in finding ways to deliver patient care. When supplies were limited I made face shields out of plastic report covers, hot glue, and elastic. I could write a whole chapter on the creative things I did like this to continue patient care while protecting myself. So many uncertainties existed at that time, and as a mental health provider I always took great care of my emotional and mental wellbeing throughout my career. But the pandemic was something I had never experienced. Some of my self-care practices included socializing with friends and family-in person-and giving and receiving lots of hugs from my grandchildren. So many things changed for me, my patients, and the world. As I continued to watch the pandemic progress I lived with anxiety about my future, my family, and my patients future. I had to rethink my self-care strategies and practices to cope. For me, I realized I could count on Starbucks employees being there everyday to make my morning coffee. Connecting with Starbucks employees also was such a gift during those very trying times. My drive to Starbucks was now a strategy, a self-care approach. It was not longer just my morning coffee run.

I was recently asked to participate in a qualitative research study that asked how psychiatric mental health nurse practitioners made it through COVID-19 and how COVID-19 impacted their mental health. I told the researcher my story, and ended with how Starbucks really helped me feel normal and make it through the pandemic. She suggested that I write an article, about my experience and share it with others. That is the reason for this blog, but more so, in sharing my story with her, I deeply realized how forever grateful I will be for that one corporation that stayed open and helped me make it through the pandemic. Thank you, Starbucks!

In closing, I will tell you, I experienced a great deal of loss during the pandemic and processed my grief many days in the Starbucks parking lot in my car with my journal and an almond milk latte. Today, I honor the memories of the patients who died during that period of time every morning when I go to Starbucks.

Rest in peace.